The Official Nebraska Tea Party Association for Progress Vetting Questionnaire and Comment Card
Name: Rufus “Junior” Hickman, Jr.
Date: Feb. 16, 2010
Place: Central City, Neb.
Test Administrator: Ed Johnson
1. Are you or have you ever been a Communist?
a) Yes
b) No
c) No, but I’ve been a Socialist
2. Do you like the Constitution?
a) Yes
b) No
3. Do you know all the Amendments to the Constitution?
a) Yes
b) No
c) I know the 2nd Amendment, Mother Fucker
4. How many guns do you own?
a) None
b) One or more
c) Not enough
5. Do you think you’re taxed too much by the government?
a) Yes
b) Hells Yes
c) OMG Yes
6. Small Pox: What do you think?
a) What’s that?
b) Not a fan
c) Smart thinking
7. If two gay people wanted to marry, what would you tell them?
a) You have the right to do so
b) Don’t let me stop your walk down the aisle of misery
c) Stop ruining America!
8. I have a right to do what I want with my body, and the government can’t tell me to make it healthy.
a) I agree
b) I disagree
c) If you fry this question, I will eat it
9. I’ve never had sex with an animal.
a) True
b) True enough
c) I could use a stronger definition of animal
10. Are you or have you ever been a Communist?
a) Like I said, No.
b) Did you already ask me this question?
c) Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention because I was drunk on Vodka.
11. What did you think of this vetting questionaire?
a) Seemed legally necessary.
b) Didn’t much care for it.
c) Very uncomfortable toilet paper.
“Did I pass,” Rufus asked.
“With flying colors,” said Ed. “I’m not going to count your wrong answer on #7 because it’s a trick question.”
