From Jsem Robot(The Czech ROBOT points the handle of a knife to CHRIS, the mouse. His wife, MOUSER, looks on. The KAFCO 5000 cultural translation device interprets the ROBOT’s words.)
ROBOT
Zabij mě, prosim.
KAFCO 5000
If I believed in a God, I would say he delivered you to take me away from this world, but as I will maintain my atheistic identity, I would simply ask that you kill me because you’re the only ones here.
MOUSER
What?
CHRIS
What?
ROBOT
Zabij mě, prosim.
MOUSER
What?
CHRIS
Huh?
KAFCO 5000
Please.
MOUSER
Kill you?
CHRIS
We don’t even know you.
MOUSER
We can’t possibly kill you.
CHRIS
Because we don’t even know you.
MOUSER
Kill that little talking machine-
CHRIS
Now, that’s something we could probably do.
ROBOT
Moje provedení je zastaralé. Nemám žádný účel.
KAFCO 5000
Those who designed me have discarded their creation because their ideals of the perfect robot changed. And where does that leave me – a martyr of progress and slightly incremental technological advances hyperbolized for the sake of a new sale?
CHRIS
Mouse meeting.
(MOUSER and CHRIS huddle up at the front of the stage.)
Honey, if we make it out of this alive, I’ll never guess which road to take again.
MOUSER
I should take that knife and stab both of you.
CHRIS
Mouser, I don’t think joking about robotic manic depression is appropriate here.
MOUSER
That’s it! I know what it needs.
CHRIS
But I left my Prozac back at the hotel.
MOUSER
No, not drugs. It needs a good-old-fashioned pep-talk-slash-intervention – Wisconsin-style.
CHRIS
That might be the most brilliant idea that you’ve ever had – maybe that has ever been had!
MOUSER
It is, isn’t it? And you were here to see it. You’re so lucky.
(They turn to confront the ROBOT.)
Listen, Robot-person, let me tell you something: Life – even for those technically not breathing – is hard. And sometimes it feels like you can never catch a break, like when the clothing store runs out of your size of this cute, cute outfit or when you get skim milk instead of cream milk in your half-caf decaf-quarter-caf mocca. In this life, there’ll always be some cat around the corner, ready to chase you back into your hole – well, not in this city because I haven’t even seen one cat, but what I’m getting at is that you can’t give up. Life has so much to offer. If you can dream it, you can do it. Follow your dreams. Keep hope alive. Become the robot you’ve always wanted to be. The power is in your hands! What’s your passion? Find out and follow it.
(The ROBOT stands stoic.)
CHRIS
I don’t think he gets it.
MOUSER
You like to play with the puppets, and I think that is so great! And you’re so good at it. Maybe what you can do is work hard and apply yourself to your craft even more, and who knows? Maybe you’ll become the most-famous puppet-master robot-person that ever lived a simulation of life! You can be the best, and all you have to do is dream big and work hard. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.
CHRIS
Yeah!
MOUSER
See, that’s support.
CHRIS
You can do it!
MOUSER
Wow, even more support! And we’re not saying these things because we don’t want to kill you.
CHRIS
Not at all.
MOUSER
We’re saying them because we care about you. Because you’re special in every way.
CHRIS
And in whatever ways you’re not special, you’re probably special and we just can’t see why.
MOUSER
You just have to believe in yourself, robot-person. Believe in yourself and work hard and let Jesus do the rest.
(The mice pump their fists for the great pep-talk they’ve done.)
ROBOT
Práce? Jsem Čech.
KAFCO 5000
To work for one’s dreams is to be a slave to an illusion, to prolong a ritual manipulation of the masses long established by those who hold the most gold, promising you some nugget for digging a mine when at the end of the day you get black lung and a promise of more of the same tomorrow.
CHRIS
Whoa. I don’t think he understood you.
MOUSER
How is that even possible?
KAFCO 5000
Expectations are the downfall of civilizations.
CHRIS
Hey, you can’t say anything unless the robot says something first.
KAFCO 5000
Sorry, I was filled with the spirit of nothingness.
