From Jsem Robot

(The Czech ROBOT points the handle of a knife to CHRIS, the mouse. His wife, MOUSER, looks on. The KAFCO 5000 cultural translation device interprets the ROBOT’s words.)

ROBOT
Zabij mě, prosim.

KAFCO 5000
If I believed in a God, I would say he delivered you to take me away from this world, but as I will maintain my atheistic identity, I would simply ask that you kill me because you’re the only ones here.

MOUSER
What?

CHRIS
What?

ROBOT
Zabij mě, prosim.

MOUSER
What?

CHRIS
Huh?

KAFCO 5000
Please.

MOUSER
Kill you?

CHRIS
We don’t even know you.

MOUSER
We can’t possibly kill you.

CHRIS
Because we don’t even know you.

MOUSER
Kill that little talking machine-

CHRIS
Now, that’s something we could probably do.

ROBOT
Moje provedení je zastaralé. Nemám žádný účel.

KAFCO 5000
Those who designed me have discarded their creation because their ideals of the perfect robot changed. And where does that leave me – a martyr of progress and slightly incremental technological advances hyperbolized for the sake of a new sale?

CHRIS
Mouse meeting.
(MOUSER and CHRIS huddle up at the front of the stage.)
Honey, if we make it out of this alive, I’ll never guess which road to take again.

MOUSER
I should take that knife and stab both of you.

CHRIS
Mouser, I don’t think joking about robotic manic depression is appropriate here.

MOUSER
That’s it! I know what it needs.

CHRIS
But I left my Prozac back at the hotel.

MOUSER
No, not drugs. It needs a good-old-fashioned pep-talk-slash-intervention – Wisconsin-style.

CHRIS
That might be the most brilliant idea that you’ve ever had – maybe that has ever been had!

MOUSER
It is, isn’t it? And you were here to see it. You’re so lucky.
(They turn to confront the ROBOT.)
Listen, Robot-person, let me tell you something: Life – even for those technically not breathing – is hard. And sometimes it feels like you can never catch a break, like when the clothing store runs out of your size of this cute, cute outfit or when you get skim milk instead of cream milk in your half-caf decaf-quarter-caf mocca. In this life, there’ll always be some cat around the corner, ready to chase you back into your hole – well, not in this city because I haven’t even seen one cat, but what I’m getting at is that you can’t give up. Life has so much to offer. If you can dream it, you can do it. Follow your dreams. Keep hope alive. Become the robot you’ve always wanted to be. The power is in your hands! What’s your passion? Find out and follow it.

(The ROBOT stands stoic.)

CHRIS
I don’t think he gets it.

MOUSER
You like to play with the puppets, and I think that is so great! And you’re so good at it. Maybe what you can do is work hard and apply yourself to your craft even more, and who knows? Maybe you’ll become the most-famous puppet-master robot-person that ever lived a simulation of life! You can be the best, and all you have to do is dream big and work hard. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

CHRIS
Yeah!

MOUSER
See, that’s support.

CHRIS
You can do it!

MOUSER
Wow, even more support! And we’re not saying these things because we don’t want to kill you.

CHRIS
Not at all.

MOUSER
We’re saying them because we care about you. Because you’re special in every way.

CHRIS
And in whatever ways you’re not special, you’re probably special and we just can’t see why.

MOUSER
You just have to believe in yourself, robot-person. Believe in yourself and work hard and let Jesus do the rest.

(The mice pump their fists for the great pep-talk they’ve done.)

ROBOT
Práce? Jsem Čech.

KAFCO 5000
To work for one’s dreams is to be a slave to an illusion, to prolong a ritual manipulation of the masses long established by those who hold the most gold, promising you some nugget for digging a mine when at the end of the day you get black lung and a promise of more of the same tomorrow.

CHRIS
Whoa. I don’t think he understood you.

MOUSER
How is that even possible?

KAFCO 5000
Expectations are the downfall of civilizations.

CHRIS
Hey, you can’t say anything unless the robot says something first.

KAFCO 5000
Sorry, I was filled with the spirit of nothingness.

From “Jsem Robot”

CHRIS and MOUSER, two very hungry mice from Wisconsin, meet a unique, antiquated robot playing with marionettes on a back alley in Prague

CHRIS
The TGI Fridays. Do you know where that’s at?

ROBOT
Dobrý den.

MOUSER
What does it keep saying?

CHRIS
Sounds like “Dopry den?”

(The ROBOT puts its marionettes down and turns its attention
to CHRIS. MOUSER steps next to CHRIS.)

ROBOT
Dobrý den.

CHRIS
We are lost. Losto. Can you help us findo TGI Fridays-o?

(The ROBOT seems to understand, says “ano” and searches his things for a chalice. He offers it to CHRIS.)

ROBOT
Napijete se se mnou? Napijte se, kamaradi.

MOUSER
Oh, I think it said camera! It wants a picture with you. Hold on.
(Gets into picture position.)
Say cheese.

CHRIS
Cheese!

MOUSER
Perfect.

ROBOT
Pijte, pijte.

CHRIS
Maybe his name is Petey.

MOUSER
I think he wants you to drink out of that thing.

CHRIS
Huh. That’s not going to happen. “What did you bring back from Prague?” Herpes – and not the fun kind.
(To ROBOT.)
No, thank you. It’s nice of you, but no thank you. We’re really, really hungry. Can you point to the way out of here?

ROBOT
Jsem robot.

MOUSER
Robert?

CHRIS
I think he said, “Robot.”

ROBOT
Ano, jsem robot.

(The ROBOT goes to find a small device from his belongings.)

CHRIS
Why aren’t you understanding more of this, Mouser? I thought your family was Czech.

MOUSER
Yeah, like 100 years ago my family was Czech.

ROBOT
Prosim.

(The ROBOT gives the small device to CHRIS.)

MOUSER
What is it?

CHRIS
It says: Kafco 5000: The Cultural Translator from Kafco Machines.

ROBOT
Jsem robot.
(ROBOT motions for CHRIS to push a button. CHRIS pushes the button and an off-stage voice, the KAFCO 5000, is heard.)

KAFCO 5000
I am a robot.

CHRIS
Well, would you look at that. This machine said that machine is a robot.
(To ROBOT)
Can you understand me?

ROBOT
Rozumim.

MOUSER
Push the button, Chris.

KAFCO 5000
Yes, like all the other robots in Europe, I’m programmed to understand English, but asking me to speak it is like asking me to rape my mother while you watch, snacking on the dreams of my ancestors who came before me like your popcorn with extra butter.

CHRIS
Whoa. That’s a little too much information.

MOUSER
What’s your name?

ROBOT
Jmenuji se Robot.

KAFCO 5000
I would tell you, but I don’t even know who I am. What should I say? There is a name I have been given, but you would only use it to try to define me by it. Robot is how I feel, and Robot is who I am. But if feel you must be less formal, you can call me Vaclav.

CHRIS
I don’t think I even pushed the button that time.