CHRIS and MOUSER, two very hungry mice from Wisconsin, meet a unique, antiquated robot playing with marionettes on a back alley in Prague
CHRIS
The TGI Fridays. Do you know where that’s at?
ROBOT
Dobrý den.
MOUSER
What does it keep saying?
CHRIS
Sounds like “Dopry den?”
(The ROBOT puts its marionettes down and turns its attention
to CHRIS. MOUSER steps next to CHRIS.)
ROBOT
Dobrý den.
CHRIS
We are lost. Losto. Can you help us findo TGI Fridays-o?
(The ROBOT seems to understand, says “ano” and searches his things for a chalice. He offers it to CHRIS.)
ROBOT
Napijete se se mnou? Napijte se, kamaradi.
MOUSER
Oh, I think it said camera! It wants a picture with you. Hold on.
(Gets into picture position.)
Say cheese.
CHRIS
Cheese!
MOUSER
Perfect.
ROBOT
Pijte, pijte.
CHRIS
Maybe his name is Petey.
MOUSER
I think he wants you to drink out of that thing.
CHRIS
Huh. That’s not going to happen. “What did you bring back from Prague?” Herpes – and not the fun kind.
(To ROBOT.)
No, thank you. It’s nice of you, but no thank you. We’re really, really hungry. Can you point to the way out of here?
ROBOT
Jsem robot.
MOUSER
Robert?
CHRIS
I think he said, “Robot.”
ROBOT
Ano, jsem robot.
(The ROBOT goes to find a small device from his belongings.)
CHRIS
Why aren’t you understanding more of this, Mouser? I thought your family was Czech.
MOUSER
Yeah, like 100 years ago my family was Czech.
ROBOT
Prosim.
(The ROBOT gives the small device to CHRIS.)
MOUSER
What is it?
CHRIS
It says: Kafco 5000: The Cultural Translator from Kafco Machines.
ROBOT
Jsem robot.
(ROBOT motions for CHRIS to push a button. CHRIS pushes the button and an off-stage voice, the KAFCO 5000, is heard.)
KAFCO 5000
I am a robot.
CHRIS
Well, would you look at that. This machine said that machine is a robot.
(To ROBOT)
Can you understand me?
ROBOT
Rozumim.
MOUSER
Push the button, Chris.
KAFCO 5000
Yes, like all the other robots in Europe, I’m programmed to understand English, but asking me to speak it is like asking me to rape my mother while you watch, snacking on the dreams of my ancestors who came before me like your popcorn with extra butter.
CHRIS
Whoa. That’s a little too much information.
MOUSER
What’s your name?
ROBOT
Jmenuji se Robot.
KAFCO 5000
I would tell you, but I don’t even know who I am. What should I say? There is a name I have been given, but you would only use it to try to define me by it. Robot is how I feel, and Robot is who I am. But if feel you must be less formal, you can call me Vaclav.
CHRIS
I don’t think I even pushed the button that time.
